My Journey

It has been a long time since I have put up a post. I plan to keep posting, so I hope you all like what I have to say!

This journey with mental illness has taught me many things. Being able to admit that I had a problem was the first step. I have many emotional issues, and my church family saw me spiral down personally.

I didn't quite know everything that was wrong, but going to get help was very enlightening. I have agoraphobia, depression, panic and anxiety, and OCD. Being able to admit this to the world isn't easy, but if anyone that happens to drop by and see themselves and get the help they need then it was worth putting myself out there.

In my downward spiral I hurt some people. That still gets to me even though I have apologized. I wasn't able to cope, and I was hypersensitive. I hurt others with my words, and for that I will always be sorry.

I have been seeing an amazing therapist, Heather Tolson, for a while, and before her I saw Jennifer Jackes. I have learned a lot about myself, my emotional issues, coping skills, and exactly what happens in the brain when these issues come up.

I want to be able to get back to church. That is one of the goals that my therapist and I have outlined. I want to feel safe leaving my home, and I want to be able to have people over, and not have a breakdown after. These are just a few of my goals. They will be met!

I made the choice to go back to school. I am doing an online program to help me with my writing skills. This is a huge leap for me. I can't wait to start, and sink my teeth into my courses. I have had so much support and encouragement along the way.

I hope if you struggle with depression or any other type of illness you will reach out and get help. It will only help. If you are reading this, and I have hurt you in any way please know how sorry I am.

This has been my journey thus far. I look forward to the rest of my journey!

Books Everyone Should Read

There are so many books out there that it can get overwhelming when you are looking for a new read. Well, I will throw my favorites out there for you to go over, and maybe you will find a title that grabs your attention.

1. Anything by Tim Flanagan
2. The Living by Matt De La Pena
3. Anna Dressed in Blood by Kendare Blake
4. Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher
5. The Future of Us by Jay Asher and Carolyn Mackler
6. Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac by Gabrielle Zevin
7. Wish You Were Dead by Todd Strasser
8. Blood On My Hands by Todd Strasser
9. Kill You Last by Todd Strasser
10. Can't Get There From Here by Todd Strasser
11. The Betrayal of Natalie Hargrove by Lauren Kate
12. Hate List by Jennifer Brown
13. The Uglies Series by Scott Westerfeld
14. Why We Broke Up by Daniel Handler
15. The Midnighters Series by Scott Westerfeld
16. Tales of Aradia The Last Witch by L.A. Jones
17. Cold Kiss by Amy Garvey
18. Glass Heart by Amy Garvey
19. Anything by Alyson Noel
20. No Safety in Numbers Series by Dayna Lorentz

I hope this list helps you find something good to read. Getting lost in the pages of a book is the best!

Someone Finally Did It!

I knew this day would come. It was only a matter of time. Somehow, someway, someday it would happen to me as it has happened to countless others.

I thought that I could put it off, and I would be fine. I would keep my dirty little secret. My secret is out there now for the whole freaking world to know.

Someone has finally stopped me. Many others tried, but one tiny woman stopped me. Am I happy about finally being stopped? Yeah, not really. Some people want to get caught, but I didn't.

THEY TOOK AWAY MY CHOCOLATE! The nutritionist took it away!!! Can you believe it? The certified chocoholic has been discovered, and my stash has been taken from me.

What will I do now?

Thoughts About My Book

I may never hit a million sales, but I am proud that I put my book out there for the world to see. It was hard because Brianna, Chris, and Steven have become like another family to me in a weird sort of way. You don't turn your back on family even if no one else gets them.

These fictional characters that I have grown to love are a huge part of me. They came from my imagination, and I built their world. This process took me years to get completely right. I put so much of myself into this project. I put in time, effort, tears, and frustration.

My favorite scene in the book is when Chris and Brianna are taking a walk together on her birthday. I love the conversations that they shared on that day. To me, that is a golden moment. I'm not saying this to pat myself on the back, but it's just one of those scenes that made me happy during the countless hours of editing and rewrites. It was a part that made me feel that I didn't stink as an author.

I think a lot of authors go through the same thing. You feel like you stink as an author, but eventually you see that it's not the case. If you are doing something you love keep at it and never give up. There will always be those that doubt you, but don't let the negativity win. You can do it.

You Learn

One of my favorite songs is "You Learn" by Alanis Morissette. I think I like it so much because it's true. Everything we go through in life from love to grief we learn something.

We spend our lives learning. Some lessons are easy and some are very difficult. I remember when I fell in love with my husband, I had to learn about compromising, seeing someone's differing point of view, and sharing myself completely with someone else.

I learned when I became a mother to give my whole heart to a little person. I learned to care completely for another person. Tyler taught me how to love. He taught me how to function on no sleep, and how to have more caring and compassion for others.

When my dad died, I learned how to deal with grief. I learned that just because someone is gone physically from your life doesn't mean they are spiritually gone. They don't disappear completely. You learn that you can still feel them near you, and they watch over you.

From love, birth, and death I learned how to be myself. I learned how to find and better myself. Learning, growing, stretching, and becoming the person I am through what life gives me means a lot.

You Learn-Alanis Moris

sette

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn 

What I Am Learning

I am learning so much about book promotion thanks to a couple of sweet people that have helped me. I still feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown, though.

One thing I have learned about myself is that I am very much an introvert. I am shy. I admit it. I'm comfortable with only one or two people besides my husband and son.

I am always watching. I pick up on what's going on around me. When I am out I am hyper aware of my surroundings. You never know what will fit nicely into a book!

If I don't talk, I'm not stuck up. I am just shy. I'm more comfortable talking about real, deep, topics. I'm not really into small talk. It makes me uncomfortable. There is just something fake about it. I like to really get to know people.

Writing is my outlet. I truly feel that it is a gift to help me through my health issues. It is a release for my anxiety. I need this to keep me going.

Facebook friends can be just as if not more supportive than people you have known for over a decade in "real" life. I have made sweet friends on Facebook that I treasure. Argue all you want, I am grateful for these wonderful people.

I am learning so much more than this. I am learning that I need to have more confidence in myself, I need to trust my own judgement, I need to understand that I have a good mind and I am smart. There is more than these things, but I think I have shown my soul enough for one night.

Newly Published Author Nerves

One thing you never hear about are newly published author nerves. Every writer should be informed of these nasty little creatures, so I shall do my duty, and tell the world. This way other newly published authors won't be surprised.

Being a newly published author is like going on a roller coaster only you can't see the bottom. Your stomach is a mixture of butterflies and stinging bees. You are sure that you will die of a heart attack from the fall.

Don't get me wrong. It's a dream come true, but that dream is laced with a tiny bit of anxiety. You want the whole world to read your book and love it. You want the days to bring new sales, and most of all you want there to be a promotion fairy to help you promote your book to the world. Alas, that fairy doesn't exist. I'm going gray from searching for that wretched beast.

The dream is worth the ulcer. It truly is. There is nothing like the feeling of knowing that you have put so much of yourself out there, and you are finally seeing the good results. Just know that Newly Published Author Nerves are real, and perfectly normal. We'll be alright once our meds kick in.

My Journey Through Breaking the Surface

Original Artwork by Kaleb Dunn

Breaking the Surface is my first novel, and it took my heart and soul to write it. I started writing this book years ago, and I can hardly believe that it is finally up for people to buy! 

This novel took all I had to write. There were many times when I had to just put the writing away, and pick it back up later. There were many days of writer's block, tears, and hair pulling.

I have to say that Evanescence got me through this book. For some reason if I really wanted to write, I had to have them playing in the background. They brought out the feelings that I had deep inside that went along with the storyline. 

I also got rid of a lot of demons as I wrote this book. Many of the things Brianna went through in the beginning of this novel I did as well. It felt good to be rid of them, and stick them out for the world to see.

I have also met a new friend because of this book. Kaleb Dunn did the stunning artwork for this book, and I couldn't be happier with it. That leads me to an old friend I need to thank, Mike Whitehead, who put Kaleb in my path.

My family has been so supportive of my writing. They have been editors, listeners, sounding boards, and they were never afraid to tell me when something didn't work. I love them for being the great family that they are.

In the end, I have learned that writing takes patience, a strong support system, good music, and you meet friends that you never would have before.

Hobbies and Random Things

One of my favorite authors is Jessica Verday. She wrote an amazing series of books The Hollow, The Haunted, and The Hidden. This trilogy in and of itself is amazing, and now I'm reading The Beautiful and the Damned. It's just as great as her other three books.
Reading has always been a pleasure of mine. I love being swept away to places like Sleepy Hollow, or taking a trip into the future in Shatter Me. It makes me happy to read a great mystery by Todd Strasser.
It's no surprise to anyone that along with reading, writing is a passion of mine. I am going through the ever so painful editing process now. I'm almost done my first edit, and then I'll move on to the second, third, or even fourth.
Writing for me is a mental release. It calms, soothes, and helps my scattered mind to find peace for a little while. I am so grateful for the ability to write.
I also like to help others by reviewing their work, beta reading, and even just giving an opinion here and there. It helps me feel as if I am still a productive person even if I am limited in what I can do now.
My other hobby besides reading and writing is collecting movies and tv shows. Right now my son and I are addicted to Enterprise. It rocks. We have a ton to choose from so we are never at a loss for something to watch. We actually have the opposite problem. It's hard to choose what to watch when we have so much to pick from.
Listening to music helps to calm me as well. I love good music like Evanescence, Metallica, and Three Days Grace. Music can definitely help calm me down,
and make me feel better.
Well, now you know some of my hobbies. Until next time!

Random Thoughts

Sitting here at my desk, I just decided to write and see where the words take me. There are many things in my life that I am forever grateful for: my family, my dear sweet husband that means more to me than mere words can ever express.
The love we have has grown through good and bad times, has withstood the test of time, and has been a stabling force in the turmoil that my brain puts me through on a daily basis. He will never know how I look up to him, how his words can put a smile on my heart and a spring in my step.
I am forever grateful for Tyler and his example. He hurts on a daily basis, but he never asks why me. He has a heart as big as the great outdoors. If people would give him a chance, they would get to know a loving, honest, caring, and giving person that amazes me constantly.
I'm not saying these things just because I am so deeply in love with my family. These people amaze me and fill me with a joy that I have to admit that I am at a loss to convey.
They put up with my book addiction, and my writing. They are my biggest fans. They have no doubt that I'll be published, and when the task seems insurmountable, they build me up and let me know that I can do it. My book addiction has grown to four filled bookcases in our small home, and we are planning to add another for the books that have no home right now. Yes, my family not only puts up with this, they support it.
Our family is a bit strange. We are Star Trek fans-diehards, we love heavy metal, we read as a family together, we are best friends, and we like the same things.
We are there for the good and bad times, just like a family should. We treasure each other, and that's the way it should be.
Now for some other things. I am trying a new healthy living lifestyle, and it's really working. I'm eating healthier, and trying to figure out what to do about exercise. Any ideas for a beginner would be appreciated. Just keep in mind that I am agoraphobic, so going out for a walk is impossible right now.
To all of the people that have a place in my heart: Rachel S., Sam, Brittni E., Erica P., Nicole S.
, and  and everyone else I am forgetting, I love you.  

Please Be Kind

We are a family in physical pain. Adam has Metabolic Myopathy. It's non treatable, and he is in constant pain. He tries to put on a brave face to the world, but his pain is constant and sometimes unbearable.

Tyler has daily migraines that leave him unable to function in the world. We have tried almost every possible treatment, and are now working on herbal treatments.

I have blogged about my own emotional problems in the past. You can read about them in my older posts.

Needless to say, we have our hands full. Understanding why we can't get to church, or other functions would be appreciated.

Things not to say to people that are in our situation:

1. Get out. You'll feel better.
2. Just shake it off.
3. It's good to see you. You must be feeling better.
4. Have you gone to the doctor?
5. You need to be out with friends.
These are just some of the things that shouldn't be said to people in our situation. We do the best we can. 

We know that this has been going on for a while, and to the outside world it may seem impossible to believe. However, we are dealing with the situation the best we can. We know that we are being tried and tested for a reason, and we will and are being blessed for what we are going through.

Goals for 2014

I only have a couple of goals for the upcoming year.
1. Work on getting my book published.
2. Work on getting healthy. I don't mean just taking off weight. I mean getting myself in a good place emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Goals tend to come in strong and go out quickly, but I am determined to make this work. I just thought I'd share this with you all!

THE CHOCOLATE STAYS!!!!

Hanging on For the Ride.

Today is a wake up and slam me in the face kind of day. A day when everything is a bit too real and raw. Some of you know, and some of you don't know about my struggles with depression, and other mental illnesses. I've decided to let the world know who I am without the masks.

There are times when all I can do is get out of bed, and stumble to take my medications that are supposed to help me. They do, I don't know where I would be without a good therapist, and team that works so hard to help me.

Little things that people take for granted are hard for me: going to church, going to the store, being around people, having lasting friendships. Those things are so unbelievably hard for me. When I am doing them I feel like I am putting on a mask, and what you are seeing is a fake me, a me that seems to have things under control when I really feel like running and hiding.

Days at home are mostly okay. I have a loving and supportive family that keep me sane when I feel like the last threads are about to break. If I need to rest, I rest. If I need to cry, I can cry, and my sweet husband is there for me the whole time.

Taking off my mask this way is a huge help. It lets the world know why I seem to have disappeared  from the radar. There are times in therapy when you need to just sit and be where you are. I think I am in one of those times. It doesn't mean that I am not continuing to heal; it just means that this journey takes longer than I thought. I want to go a hundred miles an hour, but I can't. I have to learn patience. That is a hard lesson to learn.

The New Year

There are so many things that I could make resolutions to do in the upcoming new year. I could make resolutions for countless things because I want to do so much, but that isn't healthy. I am therefore only making two. That is to get healthier, and to work everyday on my writing. I have taken a hiatus for my own creative needs. I was shaken by something, but now the need to write is overcoming any doubts that I could have had, and it feels good. Here are some random pictures that I feel like posting about our Christmas.

A Very Merry Christmas!

Still Waking Up!

My Bookcase!

My Handsome Hubby!

Santa Came!

Tyler will be busy!

I will be busy!

We all got tons of things, but the best part was we were together as a family!!!

Merry Christmas!

I just wanted to take this time to wish you a very Merry Christmas! I hope we can all remember to keep Christ in our Christmas celebrations.

This joyous season is because God loved us so much that He sent His only begotten Son to come to be our example and our Savior. I thank Him for that sacrifice, and that He is our Brother.

Seventeen Years!

It was seventeen years ago today that I married my wonderful husband, Adam. Here are some pictures of our journey with our son Tyler. Enjoy!

I Don't Mind If You Don't

I have never made a secret of much about my life. I think that I am pretty open. Over the last year or so, I have grown to accept myself. I have some weird quirks, but that's okay; everyone does. Some of the more controversial things about me and my family in my circle of friends are as follows:

In our house it's the parents that are playing the rock and heavy metal music.
No subject is off limits. Our son knows about our past mistakes so he can learn from them.
We all love the same music, movies and tv shows.
We took our son to his first rock concert.
I have no problem wearing black nail polish and dying my hair funky colors.
We don't care what other people think about us.

Yes, some may not like out list, but we are the tightest family that you will ever find, and our son is well adjusted, happy, and we all love each other. So, I don't mind your quirks if you don't mind ours.

Holiday Stress

Have you noticed that when people are thinking about Christmas, they think about shopping, baking, cooking, cleaning for guests, and wrapping presents? I do the same thing. It can drive you crazy and end up dreading the holiday instead of loving it.

I have no problem stating that this year has been different for me. I got my shopping done early, I wrapped with a week left before the big day, and I planned my menu early. Getting things done early can really take some of the pressure off.


I think sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves to be happy at this time of year. We're all supposed to be having Christmas cheer and feeling perky and bright, but there is no thing wrong with having a down day, or feeling sad. Just feel bad for a little bit, and then go do something positive.

The holidays can be so overwhelming if we let them be. We need to take a little time for ourselves each day, or else we will burn out completely. Let yourself have half an hour somewhere in the day to read, take a quick nap, do whatever will make you feel good. It will help.

For me, I try to remember what this time of year is about. For me, it's about the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. It's about focusing on that miracle, and it's about family.

I hope this helps some. Relax and let go of the stress.

What I Love

There are so many things that I love, but I want to share just a few of them with you.
1.I love my family.
2. I love the way that our family is with each other. We share such a strong love with each other.
3. I love my pajama days.
4. I love the truth. Lies hurt.
5. I love church.
6. I love Christmas.
7. I love hot chocolate, or any form of chocolate.
8. I love hugs.
9. I love washing my hair. Weird, I know.
10. I love the way my hubby looks at me.
11. I love the ocean.
12. I love to color.

Those are just a few of the things that I love and care about, but there are so many more. What about you? What do you love?