Hanging on For the Ride.

Today is a wake up and slam me in the face kind of day. A day when everything is a bit too real and raw. Some of you know, and some of you don't know about my struggles with depression, and other mental illnesses. I've decided to let the world know who I am without the masks.

There are times when all I can do is get out of bed, and stumble to take my medications that are supposed to help me. They do, I don't know where I would be without a good therapist, and team that works so hard to help me.

Little things that people take for granted are hard for me: going to church, going to the store, being around people, having lasting friendships. Those things are so unbelievably hard for me. When I am doing them I feel like I am putting on a mask, and what you are seeing is a fake me, a me that seems to have things under control when I really feel like running and hiding.

Days at home are mostly okay. I have a loving and supportive family that keep me sane when I feel like the last threads are about to break. If I need to rest, I rest. If I need to cry, I can cry, and my sweet husband is there for me the whole time.

Taking off my mask this way is a huge help. It lets the world know why I seem to have disappeared  from the radar. There are times in therapy when you need to just sit and be where you are. I think I am in one of those times. It doesn't mean that I am not continuing to heal; it just means that this journey takes longer than I thought. I want to go a hundred miles an hour, but I can't. I have to learn patience. That is a hard lesson to learn.

The Guilt Ends Now

I think I have finally let myself see things the way they really are. I think we all sit on our high horses, having expectations that we don't meet ourselves. I am so tired of being pulled in different directions. I have put my family first, and that is what needs to be.

I used to be so afraid of letting people down all of the time. Why the crap should I care what other people think of me. My family needs me, and they are the ones that have to come before all others.

My family is going through some very trying times, and I have to be here for them. I know people don't get it, but, oh well. Heavenly Father says Family First, so Family First it is.

For those of you that don't get it. I hope you never have to see your loved ones suffering. I hope you never have to see your child miss out on so much because he is so sick. I hope you never have to see your child miss out on daily life, and have his life consist of tests, specialists, medications, and seeing his friends do what he wishes he could do. I hope you never have to see your spouse suffer through multiple surgeries, and be in constant pain.

I'm sorry if my family's trials are inconveniencing you.