My Journey

It has been a long time since I have put up a post. I plan to keep posting, so I hope you all like what I have to say!

This journey with mental illness has taught me many things. Being able to admit that I had a problem was the first step. I have many emotional issues, and my church family saw me spiral down personally.

I didn't quite know everything that was wrong, but going to get help was very enlightening. I have agoraphobia, depression, panic and anxiety, and OCD. Being able to admit this to the world isn't easy, but if anyone that happens to drop by and see themselves and get the help they need then it was worth putting myself out there.

In my downward spiral I hurt some people. That still gets to me even though I have apologized. I wasn't able to cope, and I was hypersensitive. I hurt others with my words, and for that I will always be sorry.

I have been seeing an amazing therapist, Heather Tolson, for a while, and before her I saw Jennifer Jackes. I have learned a lot about myself, my emotional issues, coping skills, and exactly what happens in the brain when these issues come up.

I want to be able to get back to church. That is one of the goals that my therapist and I have outlined. I want to feel safe leaving my home, and I want to be able to have people over, and not have a breakdown after. These are just a few of my goals. They will be met!

I made the choice to go back to school. I am doing an online program to help me with my writing skills. This is a huge leap for me. I can't wait to start, and sink my teeth into my courses. I have had so much support and encouragement along the way.

I hope if you struggle with depression or any other type of illness you will reach out and get help. It will only help. If you are reading this, and I have hurt you in any way please know how sorry I am.

This has been my journey thus far. I look forward to the rest of my journey!

Please Be Kind

We are a family in physical pain. Adam has Metabolic Myopathy. It's non treatable, and he is in constant pain. He tries to put on a brave face to the world, but his pain is constant and sometimes unbearable.

Tyler has daily migraines that leave him unable to function in the world. We have tried almost every possible treatment, and are now working on herbal treatments.

I have blogged about my own emotional problems in the past. You can read about them in my older posts.

Needless to say, we have our hands full. Understanding why we can't get to church, or other functions would be appreciated.

Things not to say to people that are in our situation:

1. Get out. You'll feel better.
2. Just shake it off.
3. It's good to see you. You must be feeling better.
4. Have you gone to the doctor?
5. You need to be out with friends.
These are just some of the things that shouldn't be said to people in our situation. We do the best we can. 

We know that this has been going on for a while, and to the outside world it may seem impossible to believe. However, we are dealing with the situation the best we can. We know that we are being tried and tested for a reason, and we will and are being blessed for what we are going through.

Hanging on For the Ride.

Today is a wake up and slam me in the face kind of day. A day when everything is a bit too real and raw. Some of you know, and some of you don't know about my struggles with depression, and other mental illnesses. I've decided to let the world know who I am without the masks.

There are times when all I can do is get out of bed, and stumble to take my medications that are supposed to help me. They do, I don't know where I would be without a good therapist, and team that works so hard to help me.

Little things that people take for granted are hard for me: going to church, going to the store, being around people, having lasting friendships. Those things are so unbelievably hard for me. When I am doing them I feel like I am putting on a mask, and what you are seeing is a fake me, a me that seems to have things under control when I really feel like running and hiding.

Days at home are mostly okay. I have a loving and supportive family that keep me sane when I feel like the last threads are about to break. If I need to rest, I rest. If I need to cry, I can cry, and my sweet husband is there for me the whole time.

Taking off my mask this way is a huge help. It lets the world know why I seem to have disappeared  from the radar. There are times in therapy when you need to just sit and be where you are. I think I am in one of those times. It doesn't mean that I am not continuing to heal; it just means that this journey takes longer than I thought. I want to go a hundred miles an hour, but I can't. I have to learn patience. That is a hard lesson to learn.

Never the Twain Shall Meet...Uh...Not!

I think some people would think that I should leave my mental illnesses out of the blogosphere, and my Facebook because it could hurt my credibility as an author. To those people, I say, nope. I am who I am, I've struggled with these challenges all of my life, they have, for better or worse, shaped me as an individual, so I will freely talk about them. Like it or lump it.

I am a firm believer that for those of us with mental illness, if we don't talk about it, we are helping to keep the stigma alive. Yes, I have profound depression, OCD, anxiety, social phobia, agoraphobia, and I suffer from horrible panic attacks. I am seeing a therapist, and am on medications. These illnesses were something I have suffered with since childhood, so it will take a long time to take care of these issues. It may take years.

I also believe that Heavenly Father gives those of us with these types of challenges creative outlets. I love to write, it is a way to be creative and it's loads of fun for me. Others sculpt, paint, dance, draw, sing, play an instrument, cook, bake, are crafters, and the list goes on and on. Every single person in this world is endowed with talents and gifts, but I think Father knew that we needed to be able to get out of our own heads for a while, and gave us personal ways to do just that. For this I will be forever grateful.

The Real Me

Well, I know there has been special interest in our family. There has also been well meaning yet bad advice given to me.
My dad is dying, and it breaks my heart. I know where he is going, and that I will be with him again. That being said, the pain of losing him is real. If you want to help, send an encouraging message, pray for him and my mom.
My son is still suffering from ongoing, constant, daily migraines. He has sleepless nights, and days when he has to wear sunglasses in a dark house. He sees specialist after specialist, and needs to try different medical changes constantly.
My husband has an inflammatory illness that leaves him weakened and in constant pain. We are still waiting for specialists to nail down what is wrong with him exactly. People know that he is ill, and yet they still don't understand.
I have illnesses as well. Mine are psychological, but every bit as real. Due to issues that I have had to deal with, it has caused me to emotionally shut down. I have been dealing with anxiety, OCD, severe depression, and agoraphobia. I can't snap out of it, just cheer up, serve others, and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It doesn't work that way!!! Before you give me advice on "natural" remedies, tell me that there is something wrong with the way I live my life, or that I don't have a close relationship with Heavenly Father, because I DO! Educate yourselves. I am currently in treatment, that's what you all need to know.
Things may be difficult now, but we all have strong testimonies, have daily scripture study, Family Home Evening, and family prayers. We are a strong, united family.
I also have a sweet son that is in college, has a steady job, is an RM and is a joy. He helps in more ways than he could even imagine.

You Don't Know Me

There are many people that think they have me all figured out, but you don't know me. Not the real me. Some people think that they understand everything about me, but you don't and you probably won't even care to try. Some people would group me with the misfits, the losers, the pathetic, the maladjusted, the attention starved. You have no idea what I am. Just like I may want to to call you an ignorant bastard for thinking those things about me, but I shouldn't because I don't know you.

You don't know that I can hardly get out of bed sometimes. You don't know that pajamas are my usual clothing choice because I can't think of a damn good reason to get dressed. You don't know that while you are laughing and having a great time being out, it's all I can do to hold myself together. You don't know the friendships I have lost because I am so anxious around other people I want to scream. You don't know how lonely I am. You don't know that my only comfort is my husband. You don't know that I can't feel comfortable anywhere but my home. You don't know that I am so afraid of the outside world, that I have built a cocoon around myself. You don't know that I have to change my clothes when I come home because I am so afraid of germs. You don't know the multitude of silent prayers I say to make it through each time I have to go out. You don't know how hard it is for me to open the mail because I am afraid of germs. You don't know how I can't even read library books comfortably because other people have touched them. You don't know how mentally and emotionally and physically tired I get. You don't know how humiliating it is to not be believed that I feel as badly as I do. You don't know how hard it is not to be able to eat without inspecting my food. You don't know how hard it is for me to talk to people, or to even to be around other people. You don't know how hard it is to want to be invisible when you are out. The list goes on and on. You may think you know me, but you don't.

My diagnosis is Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety, and Panic Attacks. You don't know how hard it is to live a life like that. If I don't meet up to your expectations, or if you feel somewhat superior to me because you have managed to deal with a mild form of one of these illnesses well yippee for you. As I said you don't know me or what it's like to be in my head.

I need to heal, I need to understand what a kind and loving friend said to me, that this is an illness. I am sick. It may not be with cancer, diabetes, or even a cold, but it sure as hell makes you feel exhausted, consumed, and drained.

You Really Don't Know Me.

Goings On

Tyler's two favorite gifts! Dad lighting the candles!!!!!

Our little Emily is never far from us!!!!

My sweet Hubby! I adore this sweet man!!

Tyler could eat on his birthday!!! We were blessed to have him feel well enough to

enjoy his day!!!!!!

Many things are on my mind today. That may or may not be a good thing; time will tell.

I think a lot about what has been happening with our family. I also think about what is going to happen. Ad has his first appointment with his surgeon this coming week. Yikes!

Tyler has been putting in some terrible days and nights. His migraines have been terrible. He is getting some rest today. Poor kiddo really needs it.

He spent his birthday with a migraine, but he didn't throw up so it was a good day. In his birthday pics, he's on the couch, under his quilt that I made him. He was able to have a birthday dinner and cake. So, thankfully, that was a happy day.

I've also been thinking about writing. I haven't been able to do as much of it as I want, but there is a time and season for everything. Now, I am ready to get back to it. I know that it's a part of me. I don't think I could be me without writing of some kind. I need to write like I need to breathe. I have been suffocating for a while now.

I have also been thinking about something that a lot of people know about, but a lot more don't. I have been struggling with anxiety, depression, and OCD for most of my life. I suffered with an eating disorder in high school, trichotillomania, and other anxiety "tics" in school. In my adult life my demons have taken the version of crippling OCD. I have a horrid fear of germs, social phobia, and many others. I also suffer from panic attacks. Yes, I am on meds. Are they completely effective? Not at all. There is always the struggle to find the right meds, or combination of meds.

You want to hear something really strange? I think all of this has made me a better person. I have empathy, sympathy, and understanding that I would have gained only by going through this my whole life. I am the kind of mom that I always wanted to have. I am the kind of advocate for my child that I should have had as a child.

We are all given tests. We just need to get through them, and come out better on the other side.

Pajamas

I know, weird title, huh? Well as I write to all of you at four in the afternoon I am still in my pajamas, and I just downed some blueberry Pop Tarts. Yes, I am depressed, and I am going to tell the whole blogging world just why I am.

First, our son has been suffering from debilitating migraines. He gets so sick from them. We are seeing specialists, and we have another appointment at the end of the month with his neurologist. His schooling is suffering, and that has me so worried. I feel so badly for him because he can't live the life of a normal, care free, teen. We are doing all we can, but he is still not well.

Second is my sweet hubby. He has epilepsy, migraines, and his last MRI showed that he is growing new and unexplained lesions in the white matter of his brain. Hopefully we'll find out what is happening to him at the end of the month. From what we have been able to find out, it could be migraine related lesions, which they don't know much about yet, or something like MS.

Then there is my dad that has just been diagnosed with either lung cancer or lymphoma. He goes to find out exactly what it is soon. I'm not ready to lose my dad. I am the baby of the family and the only girl. Needless to say I am close to my dad, and I can't imagine life without him.

Then last night we got a phone call from Adam's doctor. He had reconstructive surgery on his chest in 2005. The wires they put in his rib cage have fractured. He needs to have another surgery to remove them.

Things are stacking up. I can get things out better in writing, so this is a cathartic thing for me. Thanks for "listening".