Hanging on For the Ride.

Today is a wake up and slam me in the face kind of day. A day when everything is a bit too real and raw. Some of you know, and some of you don't know about my struggles with depression, and other mental illnesses. I've decided to let the world know who I am without the masks.

There are times when all I can do is get out of bed, and stumble to take my medications that are supposed to help me. They do, I don't know where I would be without a good therapist, and team that works so hard to help me.

Little things that people take for granted are hard for me: going to church, going to the store, being around people, having lasting friendships. Those things are so unbelievably hard for me. When I am doing them I feel like I am putting on a mask, and what you are seeing is a fake me, a me that seems to have things under control when I really feel like running and hiding.

Days at home are mostly okay. I have a loving and supportive family that keep me sane when I feel like the last threads are about to break. If I need to rest, I rest. If I need to cry, I can cry, and my sweet husband is there for me the whole time.

Taking off my mask this way is a huge help. It lets the world know why I seem to have disappeared  from the radar. There are times in therapy when you need to just sit and be where you are. I think I am in one of those times. It doesn't mean that I am not continuing to heal; it just means that this journey takes longer than I thought. I want to go a hundred miles an hour, but I can't. I have to learn patience. That is a hard lesson to learn.

Holiday Stress

Have you noticed that when people are thinking about Christmas, they think about shopping, baking, cooking, cleaning for guests, and wrapping presents? I do the same thing. It can drive you crazy and end up dreading the holiday instead of loving it.

I have no problem stating that this year has been different for me. I got my shopping done early, I wrapped with a week left before the big day, and I planned my menu early. Getting things done early can really take some of the pressure off.


I think sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves to be happy at this time of year. We're all supposed to be having Christmas cheer and feeling perky and bright, but there is no thing wrong with having a down day, or feeling sad. Just feel bad for a little bit, and then go do something positive.

The holidays can be so overwhelming if we let them be. We need to take a little time for ourselves each day, or else we will burn out completely. Let yourself have half an hour somewhere in the day to read, take a quick nap, do whatever will make you feel good. It will help.

For me, I try to remember what this time of year is about. For me, it's about the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. It's about focusing on that miracle, and it's about family.

I hope this helps some. Relax and let go of the stress.

Um...Yeah...It's Kinda Like That

I write, read, and I have to have my music. Right now I am listening to Alanis Morissette. She is so raw. I love her vocals and passion. Right now I am in a cleansing mood. I tend to bottle everything up inside, and it's not until I write that I have my cathartic cleansing experience. I don't like phones. I prefer email, Facebook, journaling, and Blogging. My hubby and son are the only ones I like talking to. No offense to anyone reading this. It's just who I am.

I was the kid in school that liked homework. I loved English, Reading, and Writing. I took an extra class that was devoted to writing. When it came to Science and Math...yeah...not so great there.

My favorite thing is to be able to sit at my lappy, and just write. When I catch that hook, wow...complete Zen moments! Amazing!!!

I've noticed lately, that with all of the stress we've been going through, my Zen moments are fewer. Somehow I have to get that me sitting and freaking out isn't going to change anything. I just have to let myself get lost in writing. That's how I deal, and it's okay.

Alanis says it best:

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

You grieve you learn

You choke you learn

You laugh you learn

You choose you learn

You pray you learn

You ask you learn

You live you learn