My Journey

It has been a long time since I have put up a post. I plan to keep posting, so I hope you all like what I have to say!

This journey with mental illness has taught me many things. Being able to admit that I had a problem was the first step. I have many emotional issues, and my church family saw me spiral down personally.

I didn't quite know everything that was wrong, but going to get help was very enlightening. I have agoraphobia, depression, panic and anxiety, and OCD. Being able to admit this to the world isn't easy, but if anyone that happens to drop by and see themselves and get the help they need then it was worth putting myself out there.

In my downward spiral I hurt some people. That still gets to me even though I have apologized. I wasn't able to cope, and I was hypersensitive. I hurt others with my words, and for that I will always be sorry.

I have been seeing an amazing therapist, Heather Tolson, for a while, and before her I saw Jennifer Jackes. I have learned a lot about myself, my emotional issues, coping skills, and exactly what happens in the brain when these issues come up.

I want to be able to get back to church. That is one of the goals that my therapist and I have outlined. I want to feel safe leaving my home, and I want to be able to have people over, and not have a breakdown after. These are just a few of my goals. They will be met!

I made the choice to go back to school. I am doing an online program to help me with my writing skills. This is a huge leap for me. I can't wait to start, and sink my teeth into my courses. I have had so much support and encouragement along the way.

I hope if you struggle with depression or any other type of illness you will reach out and get help. It will only help. If you are reading this, and I have hurt you in any way please know how sorry I am.

This has been my journey thus far. I look forward to the rest of my journey!

The Real Me

Well, I know there has been special interest in our family. There has also been well meaning yet bad advice given to me.
My dad is dying, and it breaks my heart. I know where he is going, and that I will be with him again. That being said, the pain of losing him is real. If you want to help, send an encouraging message, pray for him and my mom.
My son is still suffering from ongoing, constant, daily migraines. He has sleepless nights, and days when he has to wear sunglasses in a dark house. He sees specialist after specialist, and needs to try different medical changes constantly.
My husband has an inflammatory illness that leaves him weakened and in constant pain. We are still waiting for specialists to nail down what is wrong with him exactly. People know that he is ill, and yet they still don't understand.
I have illnesses as well. Mine are psychological, but every bit as real. Due to issues that I have had to deal with, it has caused me to emotionally shut down. I have been dealing with anxiety, OCD, severe depression, and agoraphobia. I can't snap out of it, just cheer up, serve others, and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It doesn't work that way!!! Before you give me advice on "natural" remedies, tell me that there is something wrong with the way I live my life, or that I don't have a close relationship with Heavenly Father, because I DO! Educate yourselves. I am currently in treatment, that's what you all need to know.
Things may be difficult now, but we all have strong testimonies, have daily scripture study, Family Home Evening, and family prayers. We are a strong, united family.
I also have a sweet son that is in college, has a steady job, is an RM and is a joy. He helps in more ways than he could even imagine.

Goings On

Tyler's two favorite gifts! Dad lighting the candles!!!!!

Our little Emily is never far from us!!!!

My sweet Hubby! I adore this sweet man!!

Tyler could eat on his birthday!!! We were blessed to have him feel well enough to

enjoy his day!!!!!!

Many things are on my mind today. That may or may not be a good thing; time will tell.

I think a lot about what has been happening with our family. I also think about what is going to happen. Ad has his first appointment with his surgeon this coming week. Yikes!

Tyler has been putting in some terrible days and nights. His migraines have been terrible. He is getting some rest today. Poor kiddo really needs it.

He spent his birthday with a migraine, but he didn't throw up so it was a good day. In his birthday pics, he's on the couch, under his quilt that I made him. He was able to have a birthday dinner and cake. So, thankfully, that was a happy day.

I've also been thinking about writing. I haven't been able to do as much of it as I want, but there is a time and season for everything. Now, I am ready to get back to it. I know that it's a part of me. I don't think I could be me without writing of some kind. I need to write like I need to breathe. I have been suffocating for a while now.

I have also been thinking about something that a lot of people know about, but a lot more don't. I have been struggling with anxiety, depression, and OCD for most of my life. I suffered with an eating disorder in high school, trichotillomania, and other anxiety "tics" in school. In my adult life my demons have taken the version of crippling OCD. I have a horrid fear of germs, social phobia, and many others. I also suffer from panic attacks. Yes, I am on meds. Are they completely effective? Not at all. There is always the struggle to find the right meds, or combination of meds.

You want to hear something really strange? I think all of this has made me a better person. I have empathy, sympathy, and understanding that I would have gained only by going through this my whole life. I am the kind of mom that I always wanted to have. I am the kind of advocate for my child that I should have had as a child.

We are all given tests. We just need to get through them, and come out better on the other side.