My Daddy

My dad passed away yesterday morning, peacefully, in his sleep. I want to share with you some things about the man that always slayed the dragons for me, that taught me how to dance, walked me down the aisle, and was there for me always.

When I was little, I was a Daddy's girl. I loved it when he came home from work, I would sit on his knee, and in those moments he was my whole world. When my grandmother would come to visit, I made sure I was the center of his attention, much to her annoyance. Yeah, I was little and loud.

Bless his heart. He took me fishing, and we had some experiences! I cast, aiming for the water, and I ended up catching my dad in his back. I was also afraid of the fish, so when I did manage to catch something another time, it ended up back in the water because I couldn't bring myself to touch that flippy floppy fish after my dad took the hook out. It managed to flip his way back into the water. My dad had so much patience with me.

One story he loved to bring up was when we played catch. Now please keep in mind that I have absolutely no hand eye coordination whatsoever. He would throw the ball, I would watch it go by, and he ended up running to get it. 

As I got older, and had Tyler, he came to the hospital with a red rose for me, and when he looked at Tyler, he said, "Cute little bugger isn't he?" Yup, that's my dad. He became a second father to Tyler. He loved taking him out to see his garden, and holding him on his lap after work and sharing his dinner with him. Another one of his favorite memories was when Tyler was just toddling around outside with him, and Tyler said, "Up the hill Pa, up the hill." He loved Tyler like he was his own child.

This is one of my favorite memories. My dad had just had surgery on his foot, but there was never a question about him walking me down the aisle on my wedding day. I was so nervous, and I told my dad that I couldn't do it. His response was, "Oh yes you can." and I did. I don't know what kind of pain he was in on that day, but he made sure that he danced with me.

There were all of the little things that he did that I'll miss. He loved to watch sunsets, feed the squirrels in the back yard, plant a garden, and he loved anything that involved nature. We took a vacation up the coast of Quebec, and that is still a favorite memory of ours. He would always check on us to make sure we were feeling okay, and to see how we were doing. He shared stories about working for the Department of Agriculture when he was young. I loved listening to all of my dads stories.

My dad was and is someone that I will love. He had so much to share if you were just willing to listen. He was so smart, and full of knowledge, and he found joy in the simple things of life: Camping, nature, cooking, and he loved to watch cooking shows.

Daddy, I love you, miss you, and God Be With You 'til We Meet Again.

Please...Please...Please

 My dad holding me when I was a baby.

I am sending out a plea to all of my friends and family that smoke. Please, I beg you to stop.

My dad went from an amazingly strong man to being bedridden, unable to walk, unable to eat or drink on his own, and with a horrid cough that is with him all day and all night. He's been reduced to skin and bone, and he's so weak that he needs help to even roll over.

I'm not trying to offend anyone, or make anyone feel bad. It's just the opposite. I don't want to see anyone that I love go through this kind of suffering. I don't want anyone else to feel what my dad is feeling.

My dad was diagnosed, went through chemo and radiation, had a blessed period of remission, and then the cancer came back with a vengeance. It spread from his lungs, to his neck, and brain. We're waiting now for the end to come, and his suffering to be over.

So, please, quit smoking. It's the best way to prevent this from happening to you. If not for you do it for your family. The pain and anguish that we are feeling is unbearable.

Chef Gordon Ramsay

I know, I know, Chef Ramsay? This chick has lost it! She's blogging about Chef Ramsay? Well, yes. Yes, I am.

I love Masterchef, Hell's Kitchen, Hotel Hell, and Kitchen Nightmares. Yeah, he's tough on the contestants, but it's all to better them and their skills. he rides the ones that have the most talent to hone that talent. He yells when needed, but he also praises when it's called for.

I also love that he's a family man. He loves his wife and children. You can tell from the way his gentle nature shows through. He brought his mom on Hell's Kitchen and he showed nothing but respect for her.

What really makes me like him is that he hasn't forgotten his roots. He knows what it's like to start from nothing and make something of himself. He can be caring, gentle, and kind because he understands.

My hubby and I would love to spend a day with Chef Ramsay. Would I cook for him? You bet! I know that he would be appreciative of someone cooking for him. If he cusses at our table, well, he can say goodbye to his dessert!

Never the Twain Shall Meet...Uh...Not!

I think some people would think that I should leave my mental illnesses out of the blogosphere, and my Facebook because it could hurt my credibility as an author. To those people, I say, nope. I am who I am, I've struggled with these challenges all of my life, they have, for better or worse, shaped me as an individual, so I will freely talk about them. Like it or lump it.

I am a firm believer that for those of us with mental illness, if we don't talk about it, we are helping to keep the stigma alive. Yes, I have profound depression, OCD, anxiety, social phobia, agoraphobia, and I suffer from horrible panic attacks. I am seeing a therapist, and am on medications. These illnesses were something I have suffered with since childhood, so it will take a long time to take care of these issues. It may take years.

I also believe that Heavenly Father gives those of us with these types of challenges creative outlets. I love to write, it is a way to be creative and it's loads of fun for me. Others sculpt, paint, dance, draw, sing, play an instrument, cook, bake, are crafters, and the list goes on and on. Every single person in this world is endowed with talents and gifts, but I think Father knew that we needed to be able to get out of our own heads for a while, and gave us personal ways to do just that. For this I will be forever grateful.

Surprise!!!

No it's not what you think. I'm NOT pregnant!!! Thank goodness!!! Not that I don't love being a mom, but having our sons all grown up by the time we are in our 30s is very nice.

I'm hoping to have my book in publishers hands in about 2 months. That will be amazing. I'm outlining book numbers 2 and 3, and that makes me one very contented author.

There is one thing that has been bothering me as of late. It's feeling like the people that were once my friends have drifted away, or are drifting away. I realize that is to be expected on some level, but it does kind of suck. My world because of the agoraphobia is one that takes place virtually rather than completely physically. I am okay around certain people: my hubby, sons, and therapist, so logically it makes sense that people would drift. It doesn't mean that I have to like it, though.

So, if you are one of my friends, virtual or not, please know that I'm here and missing you. Please know that I haven't forgotten you, so please don't forget me. Please know that if I could be there physically, I would. I'm working on it, but it will take time. So, here is the big question:

Will you be my friend?

The Real Me

Well, I know there has been special interest in our family. There has also been well meaning yet bad advice given to me.
My dad is dying, and it breaks my heart. I know where he is going, and that I will be with him again. That being said, the pain of losing him is real. If you want to help, send an encouraging message, pray for him and my mom.
My son is still suffering from ongoing, constant, daily migraines. He has sleepless nights, and days when he has to wear sunglasses in a dark house. He sees specialist after specialist, and needs to try different medical changes constantly.
My husband has an inflammatory illness that leaves him weakened and in constant pain. We are still waiting for specialists to nail down what is wrong with him exactly. People know that he is ill, and yet they still don't understand.
I have illnesses as well. Mine are psychological, but every bit as real. Due to issues that I have had to deal with, it has caused me to emotionally shut down. I have been dealing with anxiety, OCD, severe depression, and agoraphobia. I can't snap out of it, just cheer up, serve others, and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It doesn't work that way!!! Before you give me advice on "natural" remedies, tell me that there is something wrong with the way I live my life, or that I don't have a close relationship with Heavenly Father, because I DO! Educate yourselves. I am currently in treatment, that's what you all need to know.
Things may be difficult now, but we all have strong testimonies, have daily scripture study, Family Home Evening, and family prayers. We are a strong, united family.
I also have a sweet son that is in college, has a steady job, is an RM and is a joy. He helps in more ways than he could even imagine.

What's on Your Mind?

When FB asks this question of me there are times when I think that I should keep that to myself. This, however, is not one of those times. This post may annoy some, it may anger some, but it will give you a better look into my twisted way of thinking.

My view is that everyone should be loved, regardless of their race, religion, or sexuality. People are people. Everyone deserves to be cared for and loved.

I also believe that beauty comes in every shape, size, and color. Every person on this earth is beautiful. We shouldn't let the people that control the media tell us what is beautiful. Some of the most beautiful people I know and love are not "media" beautiful, but they have the most beautiful hearts, souls, and minds.

We need to think for ourselves. Decide who we want to be, stand out from the crowd, and have the balls to say "I am not going to let other people decide for me. I will think for myself!" 

My heart breaks every time I hear about bullying, and the tragic consequences it has. Bullying doesn't stop at schools though. How many of us have stood silent while we see someone else being mistreated? How many of us have laughed at a gay joke, made fun of an overweight person, or passed judgement based solely on religion?

 Have the courage to stand up, and say no more!

Well this is what's on my mind today. Like it or lump it!

Growing

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be where I am today. I am getting healthier all of the time. I'm learning how to set boundaries, and I'm enjoying blogging and writing my books. The most difficult part is having patience with myself. I always want things done yesterday. I want everything to be taken care of a month ago, and realizing that it will take a very long time for things to fall into place the way I want them to is a bummer. I have so much love in my life with my family. I am cherished by them, and I cherish them. I'm also learning that it's okay to cut out toxic people from my life. I know that I can set those limits and it's not wrong. My world is a joyful place to be. I love my life. I have the most incredible husband that shows me so much support and love. How could I not be happy?

Teen Mom

I must confess that I love the show Teen Mom on MTV. I think I love it so much because I lived it. Adam and I got pregnant with Tyler when I was 16, and I gave birth when I was 17. People talk about babies having babies, but I think I pretty much became an adult when the test came back with a big pink + sign.

My mom talked about my "choices", but the only choice for me was to keep my baby. I wanted that little life that was growing inside me.

Being pregnant my senior year was not easy. Of course, I was the talk of the school. I ate lunch in the nurse's office so I wouldn't have to face a huge room of people. I didn't go out with friends, or do much. Once you are pregnant you can never forget that little person that is depending on you to make the right choices. You always know that you're different. You always know that the people you are surrounded by everyday at school have freedom to do just what they want.

I managed to finish my senior year in half time. I was able to graduate with my class Tyler was three months old, and cheering me on from his little stroller. I remember being left out of the senior slide show. That really hurt, but people can be ignorant. It's not like pregnancy is contagious.

Tyler was and is the best surprise ever. He has always been my little bit of Heaven. I don't regret a thing. Having him and making our little family is the best. He made us a complete package. Was it easy? Not at all. Was he worth it? Oh my goodness, YES!!!!!

Wow! Too Long!

I haven't been on here in such a long time. Health-wise we are all still struggling. Everyone has challenges, so I shouldn't complain. Sometimes a good vent does help, though!

Tyler has turned 18! I can't believe it. I have one boy away in college, and my baby is grown up. I know it sounds lame, but time does fly by.

Have you ever noticed how certain people are put in place for you at just the right time? I have been seeing that so often lately. I am grateful for so many people that have come out and helped us. Even just encouraging words have been amazingly uplifting.

So, to all of you that have given us kind words, love, service, and prayers, Thank you so very much!