My Journey

It has been a long time since I have put up a post. I plan to keep posting, so I hope you all like what I have to say!

This journey with mental illness has taught me many things. Being able to admit that I had a problem was the first step. I have many emotional issues, and my church family saw me spiral down personally.

I didn't quite know everything that was wrong, but going to get help was very enlightening. I have agoraphobia, depression, panic and anxiety, and OCD. Being able to admit this to the world isn't easy, but if anyone that happens to drop by and see themselves and get the help they need then it was worth putting myself out there.

In my downward spiral I hurt some people. That still gets to me even though I have apologized. I wasn't able to cope, and I was hypersensitive. I hurt others with my words, and for that I will always be sorry.

I have been seeing an amazing therapist, Heather Tolson, for a while, and before her I saw Jennifer Jackes. I have learned a lot about myself, my emotional issues, coping skills, and exactly what happens in the brain when these issues come up.

I want to be able to get back to church. That is one of the goals that my therapist and I have outlined. I want to feel safe leaving my home, and I want to be able to have people over, and not have a breakdown after. These are just a few of my goals. They will be met!

I made the choice to go back to school. I am doing an online program to help me with my writing skills. This is a huge leap for me. I can't wait to start, and sink my teeth into my courses. I have had so much support and encouragement along the way.

I hope if you struggle with depression or any other type of illness you will reach out and get help. It will only help. If you are reading this, and I have hurt you in any way please know how sorry I am.

This has been my journey thus far. I look forward to the rest of my journey!

Books Everyone Should Read

There are so many books out there that it can get overwhelming when you are looking for a new read. Well, I will throw my favorites out there for you to go over, and maybe you will find a title that grabs your attention.

1. Anything by Tim Flanagan
2. The Living by Matt De La Pena
3. Anna Dressed in Blood by Kendare Blake
4. Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher
5. The Future of Us by Jay Asher and Carolyn Mackler
6. Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac by Gabrielle Zevin
7. Wish You Were Dead by Todd Strasser
8. Blood On My Hands by Todd Strasser
9. Kill You Last by Todd Strasser
10. Can't Get There From Here by Todd Strasser
11. The Betrayal of Natalie Hargrove by Lauren Kate
12. Hate List by Jennifer Brown
13. The Uglies Series by Scott Westerfeld
14. Why We Broke Up by Daniel Handler
15. The Midnighters Series by Scott Westerfeld
16. Tales of Aradia The Last Witch by L.A. Jones
17. Cold Kiss by Amy Garvey
18. Glass Heart by Amy Garvey
19. Anything by Alyson Noel
20. No Safety in Numbers Series by Dayna Lorentz

I hope this list helps you find something good to read. Getting lost in the pages of a book is the best!

Someone Finally Did It!

I knew this day would come. It was only a matter of time. Somehow, someway, someday it would happen to me as it has happened to countless others.

I thought that I could put it off, and I would be fine. I would keep my dirty little secret. My secret is out there now for the whole freaking world to know.

Someone has finally stopped me. Many others tried, but one tiny woman stopped me. Am I happy about finally being stopped? Yeah, not really. Some people want to get caught, but I didn't.

THEY TOOK AWAY MY CHOCOLATE! The nutritionist took it away!!! Can you believe it? The certified chocoholic has been discovered, and my stash has been taken from me.

What will I do now?

Thoughts About My Book

I may never hit a million sales, but I am proud that I put my book out there for the world to see. It was hard because Brianna, Chris, and Steven have become like another family to me in a weird sort of way. You don't turn your back on family even if no one else gets them.

These fictional characters that I have grown to love are a huge part of me. They came from my imagination, and I built their world. This process took me years to get completely right. I put so much of myself into this project. I put in time, effort, tears, and frustration.

My favorite scene in the book is when Chris and Brianna are taking a walk together on her birthday. I love the conversations that they shared on that day. To me, that is a golden moment. I'm not saying this to pat myself on the back, but it's just one of those scenes that made me happy during the countless hours of editing and rewrites. It was a part that made me feel that I didn't stink as an author.

I think a lot of authors go through the same thing. You feel like you stink as an author, but eventually you see that it's not the case. If you are doing something you love keep at it and never give up. There will always be those that doubt you, but don't let the negativity win. You can do it.

You Learn

One of my favorite songs is "You Learn" by Alanis Morissette. I think I like it so much because it's true. Everything we go through in life from love to grief we learn something.

We spend our lives learning. Some lessons are easy and some are very difficult. I remember when I fell in love with my husband, I had to learn about compromising, seeing someone's differing point of view, and sharing myself completely with someone else.

I learned when I became a mother to give my whole heart to a little person. I learned to care completely for another person. Tyler taught me how to love. He taught me how to function on no sleep, and how to have more caring and compassion for others.

When my dad died, I learned how to deal with grief. I learned that just because someone is gone physically from your life doesn't mean they are spiritually gone. They don't disappear completely. You learn that you can still feel them near you, and they watch over you.

From love, birth, and death I learned how to be myself. I learned how to find and better myself. Learning, growing, stretching, and becoming the person I am through what life gives me means a lot.

You Learn-Alanis Moris

sette

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn 

What I Am Learning

I am learning so much about book promotion thanks to a couple of sweet people that have helped me. I still feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown, though.

One thing I have learned about myself is that I am very much an introvert. I am shy. I admit it. I'm comfortable with only one or two people besides my husband and son.

I am always watching. I pick up on what's going on around me. When I am out I am hyper aware of my surroundings. You never know what will fit nicely into a book!

If I don't talk, I'm not stuck up. I am just shy. I'm more comfortable talking about real, deep, topics. I'm not really into small talk. It makes me uncomfortable. There is just something fake about it. I like to really get to know people.

Writing is my outlet. I truly feel that it is a gift to help me through my health issues. It is a release for my anxiety. I need this to keep me going.

Facebook friends can be just as if not more supportive than people you have known for over a decade in "real" life. I have made sweet friends on Facebook that I treasure. Argue all you want, I am grateful for these wonderful people.

I am learning so much more than this. I am learning that I need to have more confidence in myself, I need to trust my own judgement, I need to understand that I have a good mind and I am smart. There is more than these things, but I think I have shown my soul enough for one night.

Newly Published Author Nerves

One thing you never hear about are newly published author nerves. Every writer should be informed of these nasty little creatures, so I shall do my duty, and tell the world. This way other newly published authors won't be surprised.

Being a newly published author is like going on a roller coaster only you can't see the bottom. Your stomach is a mixture of butterflies and stinging bees. You are sure that you will die of a heart attack from the fall.

Don't get me wrong. It's a dream come true, but that dream is laced with a tiny bit of anxiety. You want the whole world to read your book and love it. You want the days to bring new sales, and most of all you want there to be a promotion fairy to help you promote your book to the world. Alas, that fairy doesn't exist. I'm going gray from searching for that wretched beast.

The dream is worth the ulcer. It truly is. There is nothing like the feeling of knowing that you have put so much of yourself out there, and you are finally seeing the good results. Just know that Newly Published Author Nerves are real, and perfectly normal. We'll be alright once our meds kick in.